Dear Gentle Butch,

All my mom does all day long is nag. Clear your plate. Recycle your pop cans. Wash the pasta pot you used. Take a shower. Check your email. Put on clean clothes. What can I do to make her stop?

— Fears ugly carping kid-egging ranting

Dear FUCKER,

Keep clean and clean up after yourself without anyone having to tell you to do it.

If this is beyond your skill set for some fuck-ass reason, put down your goddamned phone and do what your mom says the first time she says it. Videos have a “pause” button. Did you know that? They do!

Magic! You have ended her nagging forever.

— Bitter Butch
(Gentle Butch first went crazy and is now quarantining, so her earlier incarnation has started answering letters.)